Talk:Ash Has Died/@comment-25791545-20170124003323

M'kay, so here's ya boi with their criticism. I'm not going to sugar-coat anything, but don't let this discourage you! This was a great idea for a pasta and it would likely be one of my favorites if the execution were better.

First: Make your formatting and syntax (grammar/spelling) easy to read. I didn't notice too many misspelled words, but there were a lot of run-on sentences that were hard to understand. Remember to employ commas and periods. Also, try to break the story up into paragraphs- nobody likes text walls.

Second: Good pastas have to have buildup. It isn't scary when bad things happen or are about to happen to characters we haven't been introduced to and don't care about. To do this, you need to describe the protagonist's reactions to all this spookiness and justify their not walking away from the game. There aren't many ways to do that which haven't already been done to death, but one cliche doesn't hurt too much.

Third: Blood isn't inherently scary. "Ash's face is bleeding omg!!" NOBODY CARES. Especially if the bleeding is from inexplicably empty eye sockets. Another cliche I noticed was a variant of the "waking up in the hospital two weeks later with weird scars" one.

As an amateur, that's all I've got for you. Keep writing and reading examples (if you want to know how not to write, check out the Trollpasta Wiki) and you should do great.