Thread:Squidmanescape/@comment-39490652-20200418025542/@comment-5101683-20200428025743

One notable problem with your story is that you go into detail about things which aren't important in the long run. For example, there are five paragraphs at the beginning about Dayton, and these never get referenced again, not even the part about the tornadoes. I don't feel like those paragraphs are necessary for understanding the story. There are four paragraphs about Asperger's syndrome, but I feel like having only one would be just as useful. The infodumps about different things made it difficult for me to read the story, because it felt like I was reading a Wikipedia article about Dayton/Asperger's syndrome.

However, this extends to aspects of the actual story. It begins with the main character talking to their grandfather, but the actual story isn't about that. The story is about the main character and their friend Jason venturing into a cave and finding the cosmic entity pretending to be Cartton Cat, then escaping. The part where the main character talks to their grandfather just muddles where and when the story is taking place. Until I read the story really carefully, I thought the main character saw Cartoon Cat after they talked to their grandfather.

Also, parts of the story were confusing. When did the grandfather stop working at Swan? When is the story actually taking place? How does the main character know the things about Cartoon Cat which are mentioned in the video? It's possible that you wrote down the answers to all of these questions, but I couldn't find them.

Obviously, there are many good things about your story. Even though I chastised you for using a style similar to Wikipedia, I think you used it to great effect when writing about Swan. In that case, the dry way you listed facts helped underscore the eerie way in which Swan evolved.

I think that, even though more proofreading would improve it, your writing is generally clear and engaging. Within the story, the events involving the cosmic entity were eerie, as were the events which the main character talked about in the video. I hope you continue writing, because I really liked those parts of your story. Thank you for writing it and asking me to give my deepest thoughts about it.