Talk:Gengar Zone/@comment-38656228-20190301002346/@comment-37992760-20190316045106

ok so constructive criticism then... sorry that this got so long!:

to get this out of the way, "pokemon is abandoned/deleted and comes back for revenge", "pokemon die horribly in the game", "the narrator dies or nearly dies because of the game", and the lavender town ghost just in general are all common pokepasta cliches and tropes. but tbh i feel like cliches are perfectly able to be done well and tropes are meant as tools, so i don't think that's inherently bad.

the main problem this 'pasta has is the pacing. i can see what you mean by rushed, but if at all possible take more time with the next one you write. things happen fast with often little description (note that i am not saying "stuff it with gore" or "describe every little detail" like some people think "be more descriptive" means!) but most of the events seemed rapidly glossed over. because of this, it's difficult to feel for the gengar, the pokemon victims, or even the narrator. at times, it reads more like it's just a summary of what happened.

it would be nice to see more of the narrator's actual reaction rather than just descriptions of what happened. also, the beginning shouldn't be easily condensed into a few short sentences - we know the gengar was strong, and that the narrator had beaten the game, but that's about it. was the gengar a treasured partner who had been in the party since nearly the beginning? a gift from a friend? a result of cheating devices? just a strong pokemon that the narrator only saw as a tool or piece of data until it was too late? and what of the playthrough itself - were there any remarkable moments or sentimental value (or lack thereof!) attached to it? backstory like this is important to add more impact to your story and motivation for the gengar. for that matter, what happened  to the rest of the party in the narrator's old save, or the party in their current one?

the "pokeballs put pokemon into a state of death" thing is interesting and i've never seen it used before, though it is a very unusual way for them to work o_o perhaps saying the pokemon are deleted or trapped in permanent stasis would make more sense, but i'm not sure. i do have to wonder WHY the narrator knows this, though. if gengar told them this, we certainly don't see that happen. it would be good for the sake of clarity if that (or however the narrator found this out) was stated somewhere.

i feel the pokemon that get killed just being random pokemon is a strange choice. pokemon personally relevant to the player in some way may be a good choice, if a little cliche... unless the point IS that they're random pokemon and the gengar is making a point about feeling disposable or something else of the sort, in which case it works well but should probably be made more clear.

as for some last, more nitpicky things: why the safari zone? did that have some sort of relevance to the gengar, or was there something else that caused it to wait until that time to strike back? also, i don't care much about grammar, but there's some grammatical weirdness between past and present tense that threw me for a loop. the "they're just pokemon, they don't feel pain" feels out of place after it was already made clear that they DO feel pain and can affect the real world, and the narrator didn't seem to be in denial any other time. it's not really clear why the narrator still nearly died despite "catching" all the pokemon - and a bit of foreshadowing for the clefairy representing them would be nice. also, you CAN receive wounds from inside the body, it just depends on what kind they are - like, puncture wounds can be caused by broken bones in real life, but it would be VERY strange to have third degree burns from inside your body! (...if not very survivable) plus it kind of sounds like the doctor is the one saying the last bit about being haunted by gengar, which is... really weird. this doctor isn't regularly diagnosing people with pokemon hauntings, right?

finally, to leave off on a positive note, some things i liked! as i said before, the thing about the pokeballs essentially killing and ressurrecting pokemon, while odd, is definitely unique. i also don't see a whole lot of pokepasta based in the safari zone! choosing magikarp as one of the random victims is an interesting choice, and i feel it works well to emphasize the helplessness of the victims. lastly, if the final pokemon that gets killed and also seems to represent the narrator being a clefairy was an intentional call to the gengar/clefairy duality, then it's very clever and hits a perfect spot of subtlety that i really like!

well, sorry again for this being so dang long. this is actually one of my first times writing constructive criticism for anything, so i hope it's alright. keep on writing ^_^